I am now 38 weeks pregnant so the waiting game for our rainbow baby has truly begun…

But whilst I should be getting more and more excited, I can’t really get my head around the whole thing as the past eight months have dragged on for so long, as a result of the severe anxiety after the heartbreaking news last September when my husband and I were told at a 10-week dating scan that the baby had stopped growing. Luckily, for the past few months I have received some much-needed regular support from a specialist community midwife with experience in dealing with Mums-to-be with various issues affecting their pregnancies but I have to say being referred to her took weeks and weeks of chasing midwives. So I urge anyone not to give up and not to suffer in silence – the help is definitely out there but just like doctors and nurses, midwives are also under resources and overstretched so do nag them and if possible, ask someone close to you to advocate on your behalf – I asked my husband to call them towards the end because I felt like no one was listening to me and didn’t care. Nevertheless, the community midwife put me in touch with a local Healthy Minds scheme and their response to my referral was super quick and within 24 hours! I was so pleasantly surprised and fed back to them that more and more women should know about them and that it was so disappointing that the first midwife I spoke to at my 8-week booking appointment hadn’t even thought of mentioning the scheme to me. The referral resulted in me receiving a 6-week Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which has helped me a great deal with finding copying strategies on a day-to-day basis, although I must admit the anxiety is always there.

The worry that something may go wrong is no doubt experienced by many Mums-to-be but for me, that worry often becomes so real in my head because the worst possible scenario actually happened to me and in my mind, it could happen again. Which is why every day has been a huge obstacle to overcome and why getting excited about the baby’s arrival feels like I might jinx something. Feeling the baby move and kick was a big changing moment although there were times when I freaked out about whether the pattern was the same as before and even recently, after a 5am panic attack, my husband and I ended up in the hospital as I was convinced the movements had reduced and that something was wrong. (For anyone worried about reduced movements, please make sure you find out more about the charity Kicks Count but most of all, NEVER EVER ignore your gut feelings!). For us , everything turned out fine in the end but the anxiety still keeps me awake at night…

So the waiting continues and I am gathering all the physical and mental strength for the journey ahead – both in terms of looking after a tiny bundle of joy (with my older son nearly 5, I feel like I have forgotten everything!) and hoping my anxiety will diminish completely once the baby is delivered safe and sound.

In the end, all I can do is be optimistic, look after my body and my mind, and make sure I seek medical help whenever I worry and feel something is not right. And I urge any other Mum-to-be to do the same if they have gone through a similar experience.

I’d be really interested if any one of you has been affected by miscarriage and anxiety having fallen pregnant again so please feel free to leave a comment here.

 

 

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